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...or could it have been WHAT you asked me... ...maybe it's WHEN you asked me... all i know is that YOU'RE ON FUCKIN' CRACK... |
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May 2003 July 2003 August 2003 September 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 August 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 February 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 October 2006 September 2010 December 2011 |
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Friday, January 30, 2004 |
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The wonders of modern surgery | |
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This is, no shit, a true story!
---------------------- Three Texan surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States. ---------------------- :)~ ::spliff |
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Monday, January 26, 2004 |
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A moment of silence, please... | |
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... for our beloved crackhead, Captain Kagaroo, is gone. As-salaam alaikum, Cap'n.
-spliff |
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Friday, January 23, 2004 |
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Year Of The Monkey! | |
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Peace And Blessings To All My Peepz. My inner Shaolin Monk greetz with joy the arrival of the Year Of The Monkey (never mind yours truly is a Fire Horse). There will no doubt be lots of monkey business this year... count on it. Nevertheless, I have set myself a goal of finally learning Drunken Monkey kung-fu this year, even as I try my utmost to see no evil, hear no evil and speak no evil. Enuff of spankin' the monkey, though - I intend to shock the monkey to life, if you know what I mean.
w3rd to tha monkey... |
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Wednesday, January 21, 2004 |
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wanna be Google | |
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http://www.booble.com | |
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Dave Chappelle Is A CraqHead | |
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I didn't catch much of the 1st two seasons on comedy central, but I'm gonna be sure to catch this one. Dave is just too fuckin' funny.
Tyrone The CrackHead |
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Monday, January 19, 2004 |
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BMF update for the Zips | |
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Leather is soooooo 90's, get with it! Duct tape for the Zips! | |
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Sunday, January 18, 2004 |
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There's a fine line... | |
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... between being a crackhead and a bad mother fucker.
<bmf>spliff</bmf> |
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Friday, January 16, 2004 |
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http://www.slabearkazad.com/sniff/#click | |
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Monday, January 12, 2004 |
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Distressed as SHIT... literally | |
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So after reading Trav's link to the *poop* article, my 'soon to be dad' good guy friend called me in sheer paranoia because the mother of his 'soon to be born' child went into labor but had birth complications. During labor, fecal matter was found in her womb, making it imperative that she have an emergency cesarian section. For those that don't know, an unborn baby being exposed to fecal matter could cause birth and/or developmental defects. In retrospect, it was a very concerning, stressful moment at the time especially knowing that I couldn't do anything to help except listen to my friend worry. Finally, I get a call back with an update that the baby was born a healthy, kicking, nine pound plus girl. *phew*
So, out of crazy curiosity, I decided to call my aunt. My aunt's a doctor, practicing general medicine so I figured she'd know why and how a baby could be exposed to fecal matter. All I kept thinking about was the damn story Trav linked to. It turns out that it's pretty normal, however. Some babies go into distress as labor starts and for some odd reason, some babies handle distress by having a bowel movement. In short, the baby got so freaked out over the idea of coming into this crazy cracked out world that it went potty before it was even born. Luckily, this story ended happy but imagine when your parents tell you that story when you're older... |
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Saturday, January 10, 2004 |
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New Crack | |
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Crackers, I hooked up a new UrOnCrack design today (with some graphics help from Mizzymoto) - let me know if you guys like it or not, k. :) I have the old version backed-up also in case you guys like the original design better.
laterz. |
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Fucking Republicans... | |
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...can all kiss my liberal ass. I just got done reading "Slander: Liberal Lies About the American Right" by that deranged fascist bitch Ann Coulter - I and I can only pray to Haile that no one takes that 400 pages of complete bullshit seriously. I'm about half-way through Al Franken's "Lies...", and I'm finding that to be a much more honest look at current politics - whereas Ann Coulter continously relies upon partial quotes taken out of context to make her misguided points, Mr. Franken bases his arguments on much more solid ground. In fact, there's a website whose sole purpose is to debunk Franken's book - unfortunately for the authors of that site, they have a hard time understanding the literary tool of irony (the true meaning of which, most people are strangely incapable of grasping) and as such merely make themelves look inept in the process.
Check out the following transcript of a Joe Trippy (Howard Dean's campaign manager) interview by the "liberal" CNN reporter, Paula Zahn a couple days ago: ---------------------------- PAULA ZAHN: Final question for you, sir. Your candidate, governor dean, has made several references to -- about president bush having alleged advance knowledge of the 9/11 attacks from the saudis. Should someone who wants to be president be trading on rumors? JOE TRIPPI: That's not what the governor said at all. In fact, you're trading on rumors when you keep saying that. PAULA ZAHN: I haven't said it yet. I'm just repeating -- JOE TRIPPI: Yeah, you're repeating the rumor. Yeah, what happened was the governor said that when the president and the administration mislead people and the war, the American people start asking questions, there's these rumors out there, and we need to talk about them to shut them down because he didn't believe it. And he said that on the air in the interview. PAULA ZAHN: But there was another interview on npr that has gotten a lot of attention. He basically said, you know, whether this can be proven or not, he suggested that the president had had advance knowledge of what might have fallen on 9/11. JOE TRIPPI: No. The governor said he didn't believe that, and it was part of the problem. We have this right now with black box voting. You'll find across the country that there are people all over this nation who believe these paperless computer voting machines are a way that the bush administration will steal the election. Okay, what's not important here is whether that's a rumor or not. What's important here is that we shut that down, that we prove to people that there's no way that anybody -- that these paperless machines are going to rob people of their vote. Repeating that is not repeating that you believe it. I don't necessarily believe that those machines do that or not. But if we're going to have a democracy, we have to say so and air it out. PAULA ZAHN: Let me just repeat exactly what came off the transcript of the npr radio show, and this is governor dean's remark, "the most interesting theory that i have heard so far, he responded, "is that he was warned ahead of time by the saudis." JOE TRIPPI: And then can you keep reading, please? PAULA ZAHN: Well, could go on for the next five minutes from the interview. And you're saying he didn't say that, I got it right here. JOE TRIPPI: No, no, no, I said if you keep reading, he'll say he didn't believe that. PAULA ZAHN: There is a point at which, but you were denying what he suggested. JOE TRIPPI: You're forgetting that part, paula. PAULA ZAHN: I'm not forgetting it. I just wanted to clarify that he had, in fact, repeated something and he did say later on... JOE TRIPPI: Keep reading the interview, and we'll get to the part where he says he did not believe it. PAULA ZAHN: No, I am not denying that, but i wanted to challenge your point... JOE TRIPPI: That's not how you started the interview. PAULA ZAHN: I think our audience has a pretty good sense now of what was said and what wasn't said. Joe trippi, thank you for your time. ---------------------------- Hrm.. if CNN is so liberal, why is it that one of their reporters intentionally quots Howard Dean out of context in a pre-meditated effort to paint him as someone whose criticism of Bush is based on nothing better than rumors? Besides the fact that they're obvious crackheads, the real reason is because they're not a liberal media outlet - they're classic conservatives, just like the rest of the mass media outlets. The reason that we regular folk seem to think that they're liberal goes back to the old idea that if you repeat a lie often enough it will eventually become accepted as truth - recent real-life examples of this concept are "Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction", "Iraq funded Al-Quaida", "The war with Iraq is officially over", "... the liberal media..." (this one is only valid when said by a conservative, of course), "If the stock market is doing well then the economy as a whole is healthy" - you see what I mean? Those are all obvious lies if we apply simple logic to the statements, but we hear them repeated so often that we've come to accept them as truths... well some of us have. :) Don't let those crackhead fucks make your decisions for you, my friends - keep an ear and an eye out for tricks like the shit that Paula Zahn pulled above! The conservatives are vastly outnumbered in America (look at independent polls just about anywhere), and they know their day of reckoning is looming so they are becoming more and more desperate in their throws of rejection as November grows nearer. Considering that the 2002 congressional gerrymandering was one of the last cards the Republicans had to play, I think we should all expect to see the Republicans trying everything they can to ensure that the public's attention for the next 10 months is spent not on the problems at hand, but rather on the now-common flag-waving sensationalist heresay of liberal deception and military weakness that tends to touch your average person on a more primal level. <--spliff |
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Thursday, January 08, 2004 |
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The Poo of Gibraltar | |
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"After a few minutes of staring at the beast, I gave a tentative flush. (I am not sure why, even to this day, that I did that. Instinct, I guess.) The powerful hospital-toilet flush DIDN'T EVEN MAKE IT ROCK in the water -- that's how big it was... Everyone who saw it did the same thing I did: gave it a trial flush. It sat there like Buddha, stony-faced and unmoving."
They sell shirts too, no shit. :) |
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Tuesday, January 06, 2004 |
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Who's on Crack? The City of berkeley is on CRACK!!! | |
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Okay just a warning this is a Marc-is-really-fuqing-pissed-off-and-he's-going-to-rant-about-the-injustices-of-the-system-post.
So last month I got a "parking ticket" (make that 2), in berkeley (I use the lower case "b" on purpose), while the S2k was parked on the street. I look at the tickets and none of the normal "Handicap zone, blocking a drive way, expired meter, loading zone, etc" checkboxes were checked. Instead, the fuqing meter maid scribbled something under all the options under “other” citing me for an expired registration and no front license plate. The reg ticket was BS to begin with because I had mailed my payment in and I hadn't gotten my tags yet because I was charged a late fee (and when I went in to pay the late fee I was informed I had a refund due, why the fuq didn't they just take the late fee out of the $400 refund!?) Ok whatever they're fix-its right? I look at the tickets and it says I have 30 days to pay them. So in consistent Marc-style, I wait until day 28 to track down a cop and have him sign off the tickets. Monday I call them up to see what the best way to pay the $2 is for each ticket since they've been corrected. She tells me the correctable period is only 14 days! and points me to a sentence buried in a page of dense 7 pt light gray on yellow text on the back side. Now I owe 56$ for one ticket and 24$ for the other... great, there goes my $30 refund check I mailed in for my contacts... I go online pay the damn fines, put in my digitz and it says "error... connection timed out, please resubmit the payment". So being the good little button clicker that I am, I hit the submit button again thinking "God it would suck if I got double charged again(but I won't go into that here)". Anyway it takes my payment... End of story right? Yep, you guessed it fellow crackheads. I log onto my bank summary this morning and it shows 2 charges for $80 by the city of Inglewood. Ok whoa whoa whoa.. back up rewind... aohw aohw aohw kO ... INGLEWOOD?! Since when is the fucking City of Inglewood a hosting provider for municipalities in Northern California!? Well guess what? They are! So now I'm realizing where it all went wrong. Picture this: boyz in da NOC makin’ mad cheese smokin a phat blunt of the pipe wit fly bitchez aaaalllll up in dem racks. I call Inglewood, they tell me to call berkeley, I call berkeley they tell me "This is the city of berkeley not inglewood, if you have a dispute about a ticket with them, you need to call them".... At this point I have blood comin out my pores and am picturing a scene from Carrie. Then she further goes on to say that there is no $80 charge, only that 1 charge was made for $56 and a separate charge for $24. I'm like "Dumb Ho! Did you pass 1st grade math?!". So basically they're only showing one charge, and that my bank statement is a liar saying I have 2 charges. So here's what I'm thinking happened. I submitted the charge once, but the busted ass logic on their webserver had a timeout set and returned an error even though the charge actually went through. Instead of marking it as possibly paid, or canceling the prior request, it did nothing, so the account reflected no payment being made. Bottom line Marc's account -$80 Server in da hood, +$80 no record of transaction. So I submit the charge again, this time it does go through, and records. Net result? Marc's account -$160, Server in da hood +$160 with a record of one transaction for 56$ and one for $24. Now the dilemma. Since the city doesn't acknowledge or have record of the double charge, I can't get my money back from them. Great, so get the charged reversed right? Umm yea that's a problem because knowing my luck the wrong transaction will be reversed, the one that the city does have a record of me paying so to them it will look like +$80 -$80 and now since the due date is up, they'll double the fines. Sigh...... What's a crackhead to do? |
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Some People Are Just So Creative | |
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*sigh*
Makes me feel like a lazy ass, albeit a well-informed and entertained one. BushIn30Seconds |
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Monday, January 05, 2004 |
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A CrackHead Take On My Umbrella Resolution Statement: Do More | |
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Do More:
Gym - Swim, bike, run, weights... yes. Back I go... and as usual, it will be mutha-effin hard core... well maybe not this time. I need new sneaks first and I will stagger my workouts so that I get rest and half-rest days aplenty. Sushi - raw fish and rice saved my life in Y2K. My cholesterol level dropped 70 points in one month. My Dr. was impressed. I can't go back to him till I get my weight and LDL Levels down. He would so pimp slap me if I came in too outta shape, plus he'd put me on meds. Yuck. Reading - Gotta finish 'The Tale Of Murasaki' by Liza Dalby; then it's on to 'From Beirut To Jerusalem' & 'The Lexus & The Olive Tree' by Thomas L Friedman. Saw some dude reading this book on the train the other day. I'm gonna get it. Writing - We shall continue to write at über.nu, übernyc (my home site) and of course, right here at the old crack. I would also like to publish a book this year. Doesn't matter if it's self published - so long as it has pages... and a nice cover... and I wrote it. Yeah, that'd be cool. Languages - We shall complete the Black Russian Project this year. Oh yes we will. Then we will be downright dangerous when we go chill at Brighton Beach in the summa-tyme. Women - Ok, just a joke... but maybe not. Drugz - Definitely a joke, but I look forward to 'channelling' Tosh again at Central Park when the weather gets warm. |
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